How To Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Partner

Therapy @GainingGraceLLC

Build and Maintain Connection

A healthy relationship is built on friendship and intimacy. Intimacy is mental, emotional and physical. When we first begin dating, this is fun and exciting and a priority so that helps it continue to grow and feel good. As life progresses, the relationship might fall into the background as other fun and exciting things happen like buying a house or having children. We must work together to maintain the connection with one another otherwise we will quickly become roommates who are managing a life with one another. We need to make time to communicate with one another and spend time with one another in order to maintain intimacy. If we are not working towards connection and intimacy then we are creating distance. Distance is much harder to come back from.

Transparency

Think of transparency as over-communicating. This is taking honesty to the next level. Transparency is openly sharing our thoughts and feelings in an authentic and genuine way. This means letting our partner know what we are thinking and feeling without being asked. The example that I always give in therapy sessions is:

Example: I come from work after a horribly stressful day. I walk in the door and I say to my partner, “Hey, I had an awful day today so if I am coming off distant or cold it is because work was terrible.”

This lets my partner in on what is going on immediately. My partner never has to question if my distance is related to them or the relationship, they know exactly what is going on and it allows them to show up in a supportive way. Now my partner is aware that I am not feeling good and might offer to cook dinner, make some tea or behave in a supportive way which grows the connection stronger because transparency occurred first.

Validating One Another

This is something that a lot of people struggle to do and they struggle with the best of intentions. If our partner is experiencing an uncomfortable feeling, it might be our first instinct to want to fix it or to challenge them to fix it because we do not want them to be feeling the uncomfortable feeling, we want them to feel good.

Example:

Invalidating:

[Partner 1] ‘“ feel terrible. I think I spent too much money at the grocery store.”

[Partner 2] “Well did you make a list or clip coupons or shop the sales like what happened?”

Validating:

[Partner 1] "I feel terrible. I think I spend too much money at the grocery store."

[Partner 2] “I get it groceries are really expensive right now. Is there anything that we can do about this moving forward?”

Another reason we might struggle with validating our partner is due to fear. If our partner is experiencing something uncomfortable for them (and maybe for us too), we might fear that if we validate that experience or that feeling then the uncomfortable feeling will continue to grow. In reality, when we validate our partner the uncomfortable experience typically begins to deescalate.

Example:

Invalidating:

[Partner 1] “I am feeling really anxious and on edge. I do not think it is a good idea for me to go to work today. I think maybe I need a mental health day.”

[Partner 2] “Well, what are we going to do? We have to work. We have to work even when we don’t feel good. We can’t risk loosing the job."

Validating:

[Partner 1] "I am feeling really anxious and on edge. I do not think it is a good idea for me to go to work today. I think maybe I need a mental health day.”

[Partner 2] "I hear what you are saying. I want you to take care of your mental health and feel better. It does make me nervous about the finances but I trust you and trust that we will continue to do what we need to to make it work.”

Validating one another’s feelings and experiences is very important to maintain connection with one another. We can completely disagree on topics and still validate one another’s feelings and continue to support one another in our behavior. An example when we disagree might look like this:

Invalidating:

[Partner 1] “Your driving makes me very nervous. Can you please slow down or something?”

[Partner 2] “I know I am a good driver. Maybe you should talk to your therapist about why you are so nervous all of the time or maybe you have unresolved trauma from your car accidents.”

Validating:

[Partner 1] “Your driving makes me very nervous. Can you please slow down or something?”

[Partner 2] “I know I am a good driver. I have been driving like this since I got my license but I hear you that it is making you uncomfortable. When you are in the car I will try to drive slower.”

That is okay that we disagree, we are going to disagree on things if we are showing up in the

relationship as our most genuine, authentic selves. The most important thing is that we continue to validate and support one another through the disagreements. If our partner is uncomfortable, we want to help them feel better even if we disagree on the actually topic.

Quality Time

It is very easy for quality time to get lost in the busy schedules, especially when we are managing households, raising children and taking care of pets. We might be tempted to think that we live with our partner and sleep next to our partner so we do not need to schedule in quality time with this person because we literally see them everyday.

Passing our partner in the hallway is not quality time together. Relationships require maintenance. Quality time is a big piece of that maintenance. When we schedule quality time with our partner, we give ourselves the opportunity to see them in a different light. If we go on a hike together or try a new activity together maybe we are laughing or flirting or caring for one another in a way that would not come up in the day to day schedule. These experiences bring us back to dating again, remind us what we enjoy about one another and grow the connection stronger.

Give One Another Grace

This is another one that people struggle with. Most of the content in society and on social media is negative and oppositional. It is like combative or talking smack on other people and how they are doing things. This content and our past experiences can influence the lens that we are looking through in our relationship and can make it difficult for us to give our partner grace for things.

Choose Kindness

Our partner is our number one person and so many times we are bringing home the worst version of ourselves to that person. Maybe we had a rough day and we are taking it out on them and not being the nicest version of ourselves. (Again, we are human, this might happen and is a great opportunity to give one another grace.) However, we can also challenge ourselves to be kind to one another and challenge ourselves not to take one another for granted. Even if our partner is having a rough day, we can respond with kindness because we love this person and we want to help them feel better.

Work Towards a Solution

When our partner comes to us with a concern or even criticism, our first instinct might be to respond with defensiveness. If we challenge ourselves to hit the pause button and move through the defensiveness, we will be able to see the root of their concern more clearly and will be more able to work towards a solution with one another. An example:

[Partner 1] “You are always out with your friends doing girls trips and girls dinners. Why is it always exclusive? Why can’t I come to these things?

Defensive:

[Partner 2] “When we first got together, you knew that I did these things with my friends. I don’t know why it’s a problem a now. We literally see each other everyday.”

Working Towards a Solution:

[Partner 2] “I can’t help it when my friends plan things that are girls only. I do hear you though that you want to be included and it sounds like you are saying that you want to spend more time together which I am grateful for. I love spending time with you and I will see if I can start to plan more things with everyone together.”

Vulnerability 

A healthy relationship demands vulnerability. If we have experienced unhealthy relationships in the past, we might have developed some defense mechanisms that would make it uncomfortable to choose vulnerability in our relationship.

However, we must challenge ourselves to intentionally choose vulnerability in order to build a healthy relationship with our partner. We have to choose that this relationship is worth the risk. We are willing to risk being vulnerable and risk being hurt in order to see if a healthy relationship is possible.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hey, I'm Brooke --I'm a licensed anxiety and addiction therapist serving individuals, adolescents and couples in the states of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware and Florida. My experience brings both a personal and professional perspective to the work that I do with my clients. If you are interested in learning more about the therapy process and would like to schedule a free consultation, I would love to chat with you!